Yesterday I ate an olive.
SUCK ON THAT.
Monday, November 10, 2008
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
And now an update from the front lines
Comrades in the fight against the menace that are olives, please, spare a moment to read the condition of the front lines, from the Captain of AoB cannon fodder.
My name is Droideka. I work as cannon fodder for the glorious AOB. I have seen the horrors of war, the horrors that olives have inflicted upon society. I have seen it at home, in various restaurants, and even at an awexome conference just this Summer (Baptists tried to poison me!). The fight is going well in parts of the upper Midwest, but in Italy, I'm afraid the presence of olives has taken a firm hold. Not that I've been there, but it has, it's what various intelligence officers told me at last week's Cannon Fodder meeting in Chile. You find a lot of olives on "pizza" in places such as New York. Luckily, though, in Chicago, home of REAL pizza, there are very few to be found, due to a barrage of Anti-Olive propaganda (We only have the napkin and the two posters, but still, it apparently works) and subliminal messaging.
Until later, peace out, my Anti-Olive homiez! (Or comrades, if you're particularly picky)
My name is Droideka. I work as cannon fodder for the glorious AOB. I have seen the horrors of war, the horrors that olives have inflicted upon society. I have seen it at home, in various restaurants, and even at an awexome conference just this Summer (Baptists tried to poison me!). The fight is going well in parts of the upper Midwest, but in Italy, I'm afraid the presence of olives has taken a firm hold. Not that I've been there, but it has, it's what various intelligence officers told me at last week's Cannon Fodder meeting in Chile. You find a lot of olives on "pizza" in places such as New York. Luckily, though, in Chicago, home of REAL pizza, there are very few to be found, due to a barrage of Anti-Olive propaganda (We only have the napkin and the two posters, but still, it apparently works) and subliminal messaging.
Until later, peace out, my Anti-Olive homiez! (Or comrades, if you're particularly picky)
Sunday, August 19, 2007
Propaganda!!
THERE, SETH. PROPAGANDA. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? DO I GET TO KEEP MY JOB?(click on the picture for the full, less smushed view.)
Monday, March 19, 2007
Pizza? Olives? What is this?
Now, some of you may know this, but my father is a coupon fanatic. A serious fanatic. He's got a 10 year old blue Tupperware box in which he stores all of his coupons. This makes it quite... interesting to go shopping with him. He's always getting weird, random, and sometimes downright disgusting stuff for cheap-as-free(TM). You're probably wondering what this has to do with Olives, right? Well, this story about coupons explains why my dad bought two Supreme frozen pizzas at Harris Teeter last Wednesday.
We ate the pizzas on the next Friday, as it is somewhat of a tradition to eat pizza on Fridays at my house. I have no idea how it started, but oh well. I took the slice and started to take a big bite...
... when I saw an olive.
An olive. On the greatest kind of pizza ever invented.
I screamed and threw the pizza against the wall. "What's wrong?" my mom asked. "Did you see a bug?"
"NO!" I wailed. "I saw an OLIVE!! AN OLIVE!!" I ran into the kitchen, grabbed a trashbag and some Lysol (TM! Give us money now!) and sprayed that thing like there was no tomorrow. Using a pair of heavy duty rubber gloves, I threw it into the trashbag. I tied the top and threw it into the dumpster.
Sadly, I did not think until later to check the pizza for any clues as to who sent it. My vote's still going to LarkCorp, but I have no proof. Anyone want to volunteer looking through the local landfill?
We ate the pizzas on the next Friday, as it is somewhat of a tradition to eat pizza on Fridays at my house. I have no idea how it started, but oh well. I took the slice and started to take a big bite...
... when I saw an olive.
An olive. On the greatest kind of pizza ever invented.
I screamed and threw the pizza against the wall. "What's wrong?" my mom asked. "Did you see a bug?"
"NO!" I wailed. "I saw an OLIVE!! AN OLIVE!!" I ran into the kitchen, grabbed a trashbag and some Lysol (TM! Give us money now!) and sprayed that thing like there was no tomorrow. Using a pair of heavy duty rubber gloves, I threw it into the trashbag. I tied the top and threw it into the dumpster.
Sadly, I did not think until later to check the pizza for any clues as to who sent it. My vote's still going to LarkCorp, but I have no proof. Anyone want to volunteer looking through the local landfill?
Monday, December 25, 2006
An AOB Christmas
This is my second Christmas with the AOB. It has proved very... interesting. Of course, we have to turn down the chip dip with olives that Commander Seth's fangirls send him. Apparently they forgot what we're fighting against the moment they saw Seth's face in the newspaper. (I *knew* newspaper articles were a bad idea, but would he listen? Noooooo.) I seem to rememeber that chip dip from somewhere... Hmm... Oh yes! My cousins used to bring it to our family gatherings. Even then, they were slaves to the olives. I wonder if one of them is now Seth's secret admirer. Pretty soon he'll have to hire an official letter-reader to separate the fan mail from the business. If business starts falling behind, we'll know that happened: Seth stopped having to open it in the hopes that it was fan mail instead.
Also, secret bases are very difficult to make look festive. Houses, no problem! But when you've got the bland efficiency of a secret base, it's another story. Garlands hung around sliding metal doors just don't give the same effect. And where's our fireplace? We don't have one. Good thing we're all aware that Santa doesn't bring us presents. Otherwise there would be some very sad olive-fighters around. We'd probably slip up and accidentally EAT some of that olive-filled chip dip in our distress.
I pulled Agent Delta away from his surveillance to decorate the Christmas tree with me. I don't think he enjoyed that very much, but I was hardly going to decorate the tree alone! His tallness was useful since he could reach the top of the tree and I couldn't. If you look at the tree squinty-eyed you can't even tell that the top only has red and blue decorations on it while the bottom is a multitude of colours.
On my way to the kitchen in search of some hot chocolate, I passed underneath a couple mistletoe-guarded doorways. I haven't yet caught anyone hanging mistletoe, but I have my suspicions as to who it is. At least I'm not the only one decorating the base... Rachel was already making hot chocolate, so she was free of suspicion. She did warn me to watch out for Aaron and Alex around though. It sounds like they covered the whole ceiling in the great hall. They hoped to make it look like fan-girl work, but they've been hanging around there a little too often for that.
We gathered for presents. I realize now that having us all in one place at the same time was a bad idea. Even in our own base. Some of those mistletoes on the ceiling were fake. And filled with OL-6. Lark must have detonated them from a remote location. Agent Delta was on his guard and pushed Seth out of the way of the barrage falling down on us. I'm afraid I blacked out then and don't remember the rest, except that I seemed to be singing and dancing... I asked Aaron about that later, but he wouldn't say anything on the subject. He was probably hit by the OL-6 too. However, we survived and got all olive-loving thoughts removed from our heads by the remedies I had in the lab. Now we'll have to think of a way to get Lark Corp back next Christmas.
Also, secret bases are very difficult to make look festive. Houses, no problem! But when you've got the bland efficiency of a secret base, it's another story. Garlands hung around sliding metal doors just don't give the same effect. And where's our fireplace? We don't have one. Good thing we're all aware that Santa doesn't bring us presents. Otherwise there would be some very sad olive-fighters around. We'd probably slip up and accidentally EAT some of that olive-filled chip dip in our distress.
I pulled Agent Delta away from his surveillance to decorate the Christmas tree with me. I don't think he enjoyed that very much, but I was hardly going to decorate the tree alone! His tallness was useful since he could reach the top of the tree and I couldn't. If you look at the tree squinty-eyed you can't even tell that the top only has red and blue decorations on it while the bottom is a multitude of colours.
On my way to the kitchen in search of some hot chocolate, I passed underneath a couple mistletoe-guarded doorways. I haven't yet caught anyone hanging mistletoe, but I have my suspicions as to who it is. At least I'm not the only one decorating the base... Rachel was already making hot chocolate, so she was free of suspicion. She did warn me to watch out for Aaron and Alex around though. It sounds like they covered the whole ceiling in the great hall. They hoped to make it look like fan-girl work, but they've been hanging around there a little too often for that.
We gathered for presents. I realize now that having us all in one place at the same time was a bad idea. Even in our own base. Some of those mistletoes on the ceiling were fake. And filled with OL-6. Lark must have detonated them from a remote location. Agent Delta was on his guard and pushed Seth out of the way of the barrage falling down on us. I'm afraid I blacked out then and don't remember the rest, except that I seemed to be singing and dancing... I asked Aaron about that later, but he wouldn't say anything on the subject. He was probably hit by the OL-6 too. However, we survived and got all olive-loving thoughts removed from our heads by the remedies I had in the lab. Now we'll have to think of a way to get Lark Corp back next Christmas.
Sunday, August 27, 2006
Warning! Black Mamba sighted...
For those of you who don't know I recently had been attacked by an assasin calling himself the Black Mamba.
I, known to my friends and family as Chief of Sinners, was trapped for a month or two in my fortress under my home. I was surrounded by olive-eating soldiers and ninjas being led by the Black Mamba.
I thought I had killed him. However, Aaron and myself have pieced togeather evidence that this was an imposter.
1) He used his right hand when we know he is left handed.
2) His DNA, though similar, does not quite match the samples taken from other encounters with this sinister master mind.
3) When he died I was sure that the other olive-eaters would give up. Crush the head of the serpent and the body stops fighting. However, they continued to press in on me as if they were being commanded from someone in another location.
We believe the Black Mamba faked his death in order to carry out some evil deeds unnoticed and unsuspected by the AOB.
I pray that we may still have time to stop him.
All AOB members and allies! Here is some info. in case you come in contact with him.
- He is a skilled assasine both quick with his hands and wit. Only the most skilled agents should risk a lone fight with him.
- His knowledge of poisons is exceptional. I suggest all of you to watch your food and drinks with great care. Keep your antidote supply well stocked and in a near by place.
- He is rather skinny and is about 5' - 8". He is left handed. He never shows his true face. When he reveals his self he often wears a black mask with a silver face guard in the shape of a skull.
- He is very decieving. Expect the unexpected.
The Black Mamba is still officially "dead", but we would be foolish to ignore some evidence that suggests other wise. There are rumors of him being seen in the Montana/ Canadian region. Any members of the AOB in that area must be extra careful.
If you see the Black Mamba contact Aaron or myself. We have had the "pleasure" of meeting him before...
I, known to my friends and family as Chief of Sinners, was trapped for a month or two in my fortress under my home. I was surrounded by olive-eating soldiers and ninjas being led by the Black Mamba.
I thought I had killed him. However, Aaron and myself have pieced togeather evidence that this was an imposter.
1) He used his right hand when we know he is left handed.
2) His DNA, though similar, does not quite match the samples taken from other encounters with this sinister master mind.
3) When he died I was sure that the other olive-eaters would give up. Crush the head of the serpent and the body stops fighting. However, they continued to press in on me as if they were being commanded from someone in another location.
We believe the Black Mamba faked his death in order to carry out some evil deeds unnoticed and unsuspected by the AOB.
I pray that we may still have time to stop him.
All AOB members and allies! Here is some info. in case you come in contact with him.
- He is a skilled assasine both quick with his hands and wit. Only the most skilled agents should risk a lone fight with him.
- His knowledge of poisons is exceptional. I suggest all of you to watch your food and drinks with great care. Keep your antidote supply well stocked and in a near by place.
- He is rather skinny and is about 5' - 8". He is left handed. He never shows his true face. When he reveals his self he often wears a black mask with a silver face guard in the shape of a skull.
- He is very decieving. Expect the unexpected.
The Black Mamba is still officially "dead", but we would be foolish to ignore some evidence that suggests other wise. There are rumors of him being seen in the Montana/ Canadian region. Any members of the AOB in that area must be extra careful.
If you see the Black Mamba contact Aaron or myself. We have had the "pleasure" of meeting him before...
Friday, June 02, 2006
Emergency Code Pimento Red!
Brief Update: Code Pimento Red
Aha! It all make sense now. The web is complete. Our special Ops teams have just revealed that Lark Corp *is* the world's head olive faction. It owns Darden Restaurants, and through Darden has it's links to the olive factions throughout the rest of the world. Agent Delta and all the rest of the AOB contacts I know must be warned immediately!
"All glory and power to the AOB!"
Comrade Aaron, signing out.
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Deeper Conspiracies?
You've heard right. The Olive Garden problem goes even deeper than it first appeared. They are but the most blantly olive promoting group. Others work with them though under the power and corruption of Darden Restaurants. Darden Restaurants openly has over 1,400 bases in the US of A, housing an army of over 150,000 olive promoters, and that is just what is availible for olive lover and purger alike to see at http://www.darden.com/. The banner above is proudly displayed on their site. Through various connections of their subcorporations, they are known to be connected with olive lover factions in Italy, Spain, Portugal, France, Mexico, Chile, and various South American countries. Beware the new threat! Help us rid the world of this newly evident scourge and save mankind from olives!All Power and Glory to the AOB!
Saturday, May 20, 2006
Operation Mothers' Day
Date: May 14, 2006 aka. Mothers' Day
Time: 1700 UTC
After attending church and praying for his safety that he might be able to get his report to where it could help save mankind, Comrade Aaron went to a local Olive Garden believed to be a regional Olive Lovers headquarters. It was to appear as an innocent Mothers' Day luncheon. This appearance was secure because of the fact that his own parents and siblings are olive lovers. Upon successfully making it past the Olive Garden personell at the main entrance, this is what Comrade Aaron discovered...
The Olive Garden, Eastern US Olive Lovers' HQ
.
A device they have you take to your car. It is remotely controlled and has a somewhat hypnotic effect when it goes off. Comrade Aaron was nearly compelled by it to reveal that he was an AOB agent and official.
Brother Joel is greatly addicted to OL-6. The effects are more obvious in him than any other olive lovers observed causing total insanity.
Father Bob is constantly tired and sluggish due to the way OL-6 has effected his system.
Mother Nancy appears the most normal.
Brother Nathan was unable to hold still enough for a picture until the food came and he knew that by taking a moment to pose he could have massive ammounts of olives and through them OL-6.
Comrade Aaron, forced for years to watch his family become the mindless slaves of olives, he finally vowed to help save mankind. At the time of this picture he was successfully looking a little foolish and out of it so as to blend in with the olive lovers all around him. He had the picture taken so his family wouldn't supect anything of him taking their pictures too.
An assortment of primitive hand weapons provided wrapped in an innocent looking ccloth napkin to all olive lovers who are let into Olive Garden.
Comrade Aaron's drink. He ordered cranberry juice, but recieved this. Being master of colorless and odorless poisons, he should have known better, but the OL-6 in the Olive Garden air was getting to him, and he drank a few glasses full. It turned out to be laced with OL-6. It took him a full week to recover from it despite the very small quantity.
All the food was filled with disgusting ammounts of olives.
Salad with olives.
Pepperoni pizza with olives.
Comrade Aarons shrimp dish, which upon careful examination was found to have large numbers of clices olives hidden under tha first layer.
Comrade Aaron took home samples of various Olive Garden substance on the pretense of not being able to eat any more of such good food. Upon arriving home and taking some time to recover he sent the samples to Dr. Canada for analysis.
The after dinner candy everyone was given. Upon examination it was found to be stamped with "Andes". Perhaps there is an operation formerly unknown in the Andes Mountains of South America. This seems likely since they are obviously providing Olive Garden with supplies.
After recovering from the OL-6 he had been exposed to, Comrade Aaron killed half a score of olives in front of captive olive lovers as an example of what would happen to them if they didn't talk more.
World, be warned of the danger of olives!
All power and glory to the AOB!
Time: 1700 UTC
After attending church and praying for his safety that he might be able to get his report to where it could help save mankind, Comrade Aaron went to a local Olive Garden believed to be a regional Olive Lovers headquarters. It was to appear as an innocent Mothers' Day luncheon. This appearance was secure because of the fact that his own parents and siblings are olive lovers. Upon successfully making it past the Olive Garden personell at the main entrance, this is what Comrade Aaron discovered...
The Olive Garden, Eastern US Olive Lovers' HQ
.A device they have you take to your car. It is remotely controlled and has a somewhat hypnotic effect when it goes off. Comrade Aaron was nearly compelled by it to reveal that he was an AOB agent and official.
Brother Joel is greatly addicted to OL-6. The effects are more obvious in him than any other olive lovers observed causing total insanity.
Father Bob is constantly tired and sluggish due to the way OL-6 has effected his system.
Mother Nancy appears the most normal.
Brother Nathan was unable to hold still enough for a picture until the food came and he knew that by taking a moment to pose he could have massive ammounts of olives and through them OL-6.
Comrade Aaron, forced for years to watch his family become the mindless slaves of olives, he finally vowed to help save mankind. At the time of this picture he was successfully looking a little foolish and out of it so as to blend in with the olive lovers all around him. He had the picture taken so his family wouldn't supect anything of him taking their pictures too.
An assortment of primitive hand weapons provided wrapped in an innocent looking ccloth napkin to all olive lovers who are let into Olive Garden.
Comrade Aaron's drink. He ordered cranberry juice, but recieved this. Being master of colorless and odorless poisons, he should have known better, but the OL-6 in the Olive Garden air was getting to him, and he drank a few glasses full. It turned out to be laced with OL-6. It took him a full week to recover from it despite the very small quantity.
All the food was filled with disgusting ammounts of olives.
Salad with olives.
Pepperoni pizza with olives.
Comrade Aarons shrimp dish, which upon careful examination was found to have large numbers of clices olives hidden under tha first layer.
Comrade Aaron took home samples of various Olive Garden substance on the pretense of not being able to eat any more of such good food. Upon arriving home and taking some time to recover he sent the samples to Dr. Canada for analysis.
The after dinner candy everyone was given. Upon examination it was found to be stamped with "Andes". Perhaps there is an operation formerly unknown in the Andes Mountains of South America. This seems likely since they are obviously providing Olive Garden with supplies.
After recovering from the OL-6 he had been exposed to, Comrade Aaron killed half a score of olives in front of captive olive lovers as an example of what would happen to them if they didn't talk more.
World, be warned of the danger of olives!
All power and glory to the AOB!
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